My Sweet Angel Baby

Well, a lot has happened since the last update 4 weeks ago. 8 days ago we went in for our gender reveal ultrasound. We had looked forward to this day for months! We both couldn't believe the day had finally arrived. I wanted to video tape during the ultrasound so that we could freeze that moment in time and see our expressions after finding out the genders. They found baby A first, who I had nick-named my Chunky Monkey because of it's size and I also hated calling the babies baby A and B. My monkey was doing great. It took some prodding but we soon found out it was a BOY! I couldn't believe it! He had been sitting cross-legged for a while and the ultrasound tech had to keep poking around to get him to move so we could see the goods. He was measuring over a week ahead of schedule and was in the 90-95% for femur length and abdominal circumference. He is going to be a big, buff man like his daddy! :)

Then the tech went on to find baby B, who I had named Tiny Dancer because of the way this baby seemed to dance at the 11 week ultrasound, and it was smaller. After a few seconds the tech asked us to turn the videotape off. My heart sank...I thought the baby had died. Then we saw a heartbeat and I was so relieved. The tech was very concerned though, because of the baby's small size. We found out she was a GIRL! I was so excited. It was so perfect...a boy and a girl! She was moving her arms and kicking her feet. At one point she moved her arm up to her face and moved her hand to touch her cheek. It was so cute. The mood had changed though and I really didn't have time to enjoy the moment. The tech said she was 4 weeks behind. She said we needed to see our doctor as soon as possible. She was measuring 2 weeks behind in most areas like her head measurements and legs, but her abdominal circumference was 4 weeks behind...it was most likely a placenta issue. She was not getting what she needed. I remember at the 11 week ultrasound, the tech had a hard time finding her placenta...they found our baby boy's right away which looked big and healthy. We left the appointment feeling very sad and not really sure what to think. I think we were in denial a little, thinking oh well, she'll just be small. No big deal, all babies grow at different rates. But deep down I felt like something was really wrong.

We tried to go on with our day like normal and video-taped the gender reveal video. Here's the link if you haven't seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWAfSK3w4aI

The next few days were hard for me...I cried often. It was hard to think that she might not make it. The day before we saw our doctor I was sitting on the couch and noticed a bright orangey/pinkish glow coming from outside. It was so bright it drew me outside. This is what I saw.

The picture doesn't do it justice. It was so beautiful and much brighter than this in real life. You can't see it in the picture, but there was a very faint second rainbow right next to this one. It might sound stupid, but it made me happy and gave me hope.

The next day we saw our doctor and he referred us to a specialist. He seemed very optimistic and said there were procedures they could do in some cases that could help. We waited 3 more days until the specialist could get us in. It seemed like forever. I kept telling baby girl to hold on...we would fix this. She will be fine! Finally Friday came, 6 days after our gender reveal ultrasound. I was nervous but optimistic. They immediately did an ultrasound. I was excited to see the babies again. She found baby boy right away and started taking measurements and looking at all his organs and parts. She said he was a big, healthy boy...and there was no doubt he was a boy, lol. He was moving so much she had a hard time getting some of the measurements.

Then she went to the baby girl. She didn't seem to be moving, but I thought maybe she was sleeping. After looking around for a few seconds she said that her amniotic fluid was low so she couldn't really get any good measurements. She said she would go get the doctor to come look at things. Right before she left she asked if we had heard her heartbeat at the ultrasound 6 days ago. I said yes. Then she left. My heart sank. Why would she ask that? So many things came to my mind...What if they don't find a heartbeat? Surely she's fine...we saw her just 6 days ago. I can't lose her, it would be too difficult. They can fix this, she will be fine!

The doctor came in and looked around for a few seconds with the ultrasound. The next few minutes seem like a blur...I can't really remember all the details. She got straight to the point and said our baby girl did not have a heartbeat. Adam and I remained very calm, but inwardly I was going back and forth between panic and denial. Adam just laid his head down on my shoulder. She went on to say that this most likely will not affect our baby boy because they are not identical and therefore are not sharing anything. She said he is doing great and should be fine, but they will have to monitor a little more closely than a normal pregnancy. Baby girl will stay inside until I deliver him. She said it should pose no threat to me or baby since I still have a living baby inside of me. They asked if we wanted pictures and we did so they got us a cd with a few pictures and we left.

I was stunned. Everything normal seemed strange now. The elevator, the door, the parking garage...I fought back tears. As soon as we got into the car I fell apart. My poor baby. I felt so sad for her...she had hung on for so long...18 weeks! She was almost halfway there! Did she suffer? Was she scared? When did she pass? I thought back to that rainbow...I like to think that she passed on that day...that rainbow was a little sign from her.

It's been a very emotional, difficult weekend for us. I woke up the next morning and just cried for hours. I just couldn't believe she was gone. Just a week ago she was alive and moving. I'm so completely heartbroken! I couldn't do anything to save her.

I wrote this poem for her when I was in my in my most depressed state. I know it seems so corny and cliche, but it actually helps to write things down.

My Angel Baby

I will always love you,

My beautiful angel baby in the sky!

My heart aches so terribly.

I miss you more as each day goes by.

I love you sweet baby,

My tiny dancer, my girl.

I miss the sound of your heartbeat

And watching you flutter and twirl.

When you see me from Heaven,

Just know that I'm thinking of you.

When you dance on streets of gold,

Your brother will be dancing here too.

Goodbye my sweet angel,

My special baby, my love.

I will see you again someday.

We will meet up above.

You can tell me about your childhood,

And all the wonderful things you've done.

All the stories you've heard,

And all the songs you have sung.

I can't wait for that day,

But for now we must part.

Until then my sweet love,

You will be in my heart!

We have names picked out...She was going to be Amelia. Her middle name was Marie...after my MawMaw who passed away a few years ago. I like to think that MawMaw is rocking her and loving on her right now. We settled on a baby boy name the day before we found out we were pregnant. He is Jackson Eli...Jackson was Adam's grandpa's middle name. I wanted them both, loved them both...but I am so thankful that I still have baby Jack. Every time I feel sad or start to cry, he kicks me as if to say, don't cry mommy...I'm still here. I have to be strong for him...it's not good to be depressed because it will affect him. I'm giving myself a few days to be completely heartbroken and then I've got to move on ...for him. Not that I will ever forget Amelia...but I will focus on her being in a better place. I will be happy for her.

Here's a video of Amelia at 11 weeks...my tiny dancer! :) We will never forget you sweet baby!