My Sweet Angel Baby

Well, a lot has happened since the last update 4 weeks ago. 8 days ago we went in for our gender reveal ultrasound. We had looked forward to this day for months! We both couldn't believe the day had finally arrived. I wanted to video tape during the ultrasound so that we could freeze that moment in time and see our expressions after finding out the genders. They found baby A first, who I had nick-named my Chunky Monkey because of it's size and I also hated calling the babies baby A and B. My monkey was doing great. It took some prodding but we soon found out it was a BOY! I couldn't believe it! He had been sitting cross-legged for a while and the ultrasound tech had to keep poking around to get him to move so we could see the goods. He was measuring over a week ahead of schedule and was in the 90-95% for femur length and abdominal circumference. He is going to be a big, buff man like his daddy! :)

Then the tech went on to find baby B, who I had named Tiny Dancer because of the way this baby seemed to dance at the 11 week ultrasound, and it was smaller. After a few seconds the tech asked us to turn the videotape off. My heart sank...I thought the baby had died. Then we saw a heartbeat and I was so relieved. The tech was very concerned though, because of the baby's small size. We found out she was a GIRL! I was so excited. It was so perfect...a boy and a girl! She was moving her arms and kicking her feet. At one point she moved her arm up to her face and moved her hand to touch her cheek. It was so cute. The mood had changed though and I really didn't have time to enjoy the moment. The tech said she was 4 weeks behind. She said we needed to see our doctor as soon as possible. She was measuring 2 weeks behind in most areas like her head measurements and legs, but her abdominal circumference was 4 weeks behind...it was most likely a placenta issue. She was not getting what she needed. I remember at the 11 week ultrasound, the tech had a hard time finding her placenta...they found our baby boy's right away which looked big and healthy. We left the appointment feeling very sad and not really sure what to think. I think we were in denial a little, thinking oh well, she'll just be small. No big deal, all babies grow at different rates. But deep down I felt like something was really wrong.

We tried to go on with our day like normal and video-taped the gender reveal video. Here's the link if you haven't seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWAfSK3w4aI

The next few days were hard for me...I cried often. It was hard to think that she might not make it. The day before we saw our doctor I was sitting on the couch and noticed a bright orangey/pinkish glow coming from outside. It was so bright it drew me outside. This is what I saw.

The picture doesn't do it justice. It was so beautiful and much brighter than this in real life. You can't see it in the picture, but there was a very faint second rainbow right next to this one. It might sound stupid, but it made me happy and gave me hope.

The next day we saw our doctor and he referred us to a specialist. He seemed very optimistic and said there were procedures they could do in some cases that could help. We waited 3 more days until the specialist could get us in. It seemed like forever. I kept telling baby girl to hold on...we would fix this. She will be fine! Finally Friday came, 6 days after our gender reveal ultrasound. I was nervous but optimistic. They immediately did an ultrasound. I was excited to see the babies again. She found baby boy right away and started taking measurements and looking at all his organs and parts. She said he was a big, healthy boy...and there was no doubt he was a boy, lol. He was moving so much she had a hard time getting some of the measurements.

Then she went to the baby girl. She didn't seem to be moving, but I thought maybe she was sleeping. After looking around for a few seconds she said that her amniotic fluid was low so she couldn't really get any good measurements. She said she would go get the doctor to come look at things. Right before she left she asked if we had heard her heartbeat at the ultrasound 6 days ago. I said yes. Then she left. My heart sank. Why would she ask that? So many things came to my mind...What if they don't find a heartbeat? Surely she's fine...we saw her just 6 days ago. I can't lose her, it would be too difficult. They can fix this, she will be fine!

The doctor came in and looked around for a few seconds with the ultrasound. The next few minutes seem like a blur...I can't really remember all the details. She got straight to the point and said our baby girl did not have a heartbeat. Adam and I remained very calm, but inwardly I was going back and forth between panic and denial. Adam just laid his head down on my shoulder. She went on to say that this most likely will not affect our baby boy because they are not identical and therefore are not sharing anything. She said he is doing great and should be fine, but they will have to monitor a little more closely than a normal pregnancy. Baby girl will stay inside until I deliver him. She said it should pose no threat to me or baby since I still have a living baby inside of me. They asked if we wanted pictures and we did so they got us a cd with a few pictures and we left.

I was stunned. Everything normal seemed strange now. The elevator, the door, the parking garage...I fought back tears. As soon as we got into the car I fell apart. My poor baby. I felt so sad for her...she had hung on for so long...18 weeks! She was almost halfway there! Did she suffer? Was she scared? When did she pass? I thought back to that rainbow...I like to think that she passed on that day...that rainbow was a little sign from her.

It's been a very emotional, difficult weekend for us. I woke up the next morning and just cried for hours. I just couldn't believe she was gone. Just a week ago she was alive and moving. I'm so completely heartbroken! I couldn't do anything to save her.

I wrote this poem for her when I was in my in my most depressed state. I know it seems so corny and cliche, but it actually helps to write things down.

My Angel Baby

I will always love you,

My beautiful angel baby in the sky!

My heart aches so terribly.

I miss you more as each day goes by.

I love you sweet baby,

My tiny dancer, my girl.

I miss the sound of your heartbeat

And watching you flutter and twirl.

When you see me from Heaven,

Just know that I'm thinking of you.

When you dance on streets of gold,

Your brother will be dancing here too.

Goodbye my sweet angel,

My special baby, my love.

I will see you again someday.

We will meet up above.

You can tell me about your childhood,

And all the wonderful things you've done.

All the stories you've heard,

And all the songs you have sung.

I can't wait for that day,

But for now we must part.

Until then my sweet love,

You will be in my heart!

We have names picked out...She was going to be Amelia. Her middle name was Marie...after my MawMaw who passed away a few years ago. I like to think that MawMaw is rocking her and loving on her right now. We settled on a baby boy name the day before we found out we were pregnant. He is Jackson Eli...Jackson was Adam's grandpa's middle name. I wanted them both, loved them both...but I am so thankful that I still have baby Jack. Every time I feel sad or start to cry, he kicks me as if to say, don't cry mommy...I'm still here. I have to be strong for him...it's not good to be depressed because it will affect him. I'm giving myself a few days to be completely heartbroken and then I've got to move on ...for him. Not that I will ever forget Amelia...but I will focus on her being in a better place. I will be happy for her.

Here's a video of Amelia at 11 weeks...my tiny dancer! :) We will never forget you sweet baby!

Ultrasound #2...Fraternal or Identical?

So last time I blogged I mentioned that we were going to tour a birth center and that we would find out if the twins were fraternal or identical...well our appointment was yesterday! We had been looking forward to it and couldn't wait until Wednesday came! The birth center was an hour away with traffic, but we were so excited about the appointment it seemed like we were driving for FOREVER!! Finally we arrived (5 minutes late because MapQuest had said it would only take 45 minutes...) and went in and had to fill out some forms. Then we took a tour. The rooms were much smaller than the last birth center we visited (Nativiti) and the waiting area was much smaller too. It was nice, but when compared to Nativiti not quite as nice. Then we went into the waiting room and talked with one of the midwives. She seemed really nice, but afterwards Adam and I both had the same feeling...we just didn't feel right about the whole thing. I don't really know how to explain it, but we just didn't get the same feeling that we felt at Nativiti with the wonderful midwives there.

So....we decided to look into other options. I made an appointment on May 19 with a doctor that came highly recommended from the midwives at Nativiti, Dr. Gerald Bullock. He is an older doctor...in his 70's, and has tons of experience delivering twins vaginally. He's also more old-fashioned and is not so quick to jump to all the medical interventions they do these days. The reason I didn't want a hospital birth was because of all the interventions they try to push on you...and a lot of doctors these days will automatically set you up for a c-section if you are having twins. They won't even let you try to birth them naturally. Also, my mom had a mini-stroke with the birth of my sister, and that is the only birth they used petocin on...so I just really want to find a doctor who is on the same page as me and won't force those interventions on me. I still might consider a home birth, but I feel like this is the way I'm being lead right now.

Ok, on to more exciting news...the ultrasound! The birth center we went to said they couldn't do the type of ultrasound we needed so they recommended SonoMasters. We called them as soon as we left the birth center and they were able to get us in that same day! We were sooooo excited!! We love ultrasounds...I think its becoming an addiction, lol! The place was really nice and the ultrasound techs were so sweet. They zoomed in on the first baby they found (Baby B) and it was so neat to see! Last time we had an ultrasound (3 weeks ago) we could barely see anything. This time it actually looked like a baby. Baby B was kicking its little legs and moving all around. It was the cutest thing ever! Then they moved down to find Baby A. Well we thought Baby B had grown a lot...we were shocked when we saw Baby A...it was HUGE compared to Baby B. Later on we found out that it was probably just because Baby B was deeper in my uterus so it just looked like Baby A was a lot bigger...although Baby A is measuring a week ahead of Baby B...but that's typical with twins. I was 11 weeks 3 days yesterday and Baby A is measuring at 13 weeks while Baby B is measuring at 12 weeks...so they are both ahead of schedule. And no, my dates are not wrong because she said in all other areas I'm measuring at 11 weeks...they are just big! So baby A was moving around a lot too, mainly moving its arms around...and it almost looked like it was sucking its thumb. :) Their heart rates came down a lot...3 weeks ago they were both 182bpm. Yesterday they were both 162bpm.

So the ultrasound tech called in another tech to see if the twins are identical or fraternal. She said because of the septum she saw, and the two placentas (one of them was still developing so harder to see)...they are fraternal!! She said that's the best kind to have! That's what I was thinking this whole time so it wasn't a surprise to me...we are so happy! So we are supposed to go back in a month or so and find out the genders...and get a 4D ultrasound...they do them earlier for twins. I can't wait!!!

Here's 2 videos that Adam captured during the ultrasound. The video where you see just one of the babies moving around...that's Baby B. You'll see in the video of them both how much bigger Baby A looks...and you can see them both moving around at the same time if you notice Baby B in the upper right part of the screen. Also, if you look really closely...and quickly, you can see the flutter of their hearts throughout the videos. Soooo neat!! I just love them so much and can't wait to meet them!!

Our First Baby Appointment and Ultrasound

After finding out we were pregnant, I began looking at my options immediately. Hospital, home birth, birthing center...what to do!? I decided to look into birthing centers in Houston...I wanted a more natural birth...without all the medical interventions that could lead to complications. I found a birth center in The Woodlands called Nativiti birth center and Adam and I took a tour. It was fabulous! The mid-wives were so personable and it was close to a hospital just in case. The rooms looked like hotel rooms...so cozy. Each room had a huge tub for a water birth. They let you eat and drink during labor (a huge plus for me since I am always hungry, lol), they are trained to know if things are not progressing normally and you need a doctor's help, you can keep the baby with you at all times, and you can leave soon after the baby is born instead of being stuck at the hospital for a few days. They say that doctors are needed for surgeries (c-sections), but if you are healthy and have a normal pregnancy then you don't need a surgical doctor to give birth naturally...makes sense!

So we set up an appointment with the midwives at Nativiti. We were so excited when the day finally arrived! It was a 1.5 hour appointment where we could ask questions and discuss the whole process. The first thing they did was take my vitals and weight...all good. I had gained maybe 4 pounds! At this time I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Then they took us to the ultrasound room...we were totally surprised by this as I was told during the tour that they wouldn't do one until I was at least 12 weeks. We looked at each other with excitement!! She oozed the gel on my belly and put the wand down. She found the baby right away...it was amazing to see. I think I said..."Wow, there really is a baby in there!" Adam and I both teared up a little. The baby was moving around a little and we could see the heart beating. Then she let us listen to the heartbeat...that was so cool! It was fast...I think 182 bpm. Then she said she would look around to make sure there was only one baby. She asked if twins ran in our families. I immediately said no and asked Adam if it ran in his. Before he could answer she said, "Guys...I see another one!"

What?!? My hand flew up to my mouth and I gasped. Adam jumped up from his chair and peered into the screen, while squeezing my hand. I got goosebumps. I had ALWAYS wanted twins and actually teased Adam all the time about it. I NEVER thought it would happen to me!! Come to find out afterwards...twins do run in my family. Actually, triplets too! Crazy!

Not much to see at 8 weeks but they are there! We are sooooo excited!!!! The only downfall to having twins is that we cannot birth them at Nativiti...they don't do twins there. Bummer. I was disappointed about that, but the awesome news of having twins far outweighs that disappointment. Back to square one.

Anyways, here's how we announced our pregnancy on Facebook:

Me at 6 weeks! <3

And you can go here to see how we announced the twins:

http://www.local15tv.com/news/features/local-15-news-at-noon/stories/local-author-shares-details-new-book-515.shtml?wap=0#.Uy2znBa9LCQ

My MIL gave me a fetal heart monitor for my birthday (SO EXCITING) and here is one of the baby's heartbeats at 10 weeks!

I am now 11 weeks and 1 day! After much searching around, I've found another birth center in Houston, West Houston Birth Center, that does fraternal twins! I was so excited when I found them I cried! I'm not sure if my twins are fraternal or identical...but I made an appointment with them for Wednesday April 9 to do a tour and they are going to try to get me in for an ultrasound so we can determine which kind of twins they are. If they are fraternal my search will most likely stop there and I will be able to birth them in a birthing center (which would be my pick), but if they are identical then the search continues. I will look into home birth options if that's the case...I really don't want a hospital birth. We will see! I'm sure God will put me where it is best for me and the babies! :)

Twice the fun!

I had so much fun photographing these precious 3 month old boy/girl twins! They were so sweet and adorable, making my job as a photographer super easy and such a blast!!!