The First Five Months of Motherhood

Jackson is five months already!!! FIVE!!! The last five months have been amazing! Jack really is such a good, sweet, loving, funny, content little boy…he makes being a mom so easy and unbelievably enjoyable! Our days together just fly by…I wish they would slow down!!

You may be wondering what we've been up to all these months…since its been almost 5 months since my last post. Well, let's see…The first few weeks I stayed in bed most of the time...recouping from a 27 hour labor (where you feel like you've been ripped open, beat up, and ran over a few times) doesn't happen overnight, that's for sure! Jack and I just laid around in bed getting to know each other, watching movies and surfing the internet.

After 5-6 weeks I started feeling normal again…more like myself. And Jack started sleeping more so that helped! The past couple months we have taken a few trips (Jack did great on his first airplane ride!),

shopped together,

used my awesome jogging stroller to go on walks (no jogging here), went swimming (Jack loved it), met new friends,

took TONS of pictures, and just played together and loved on each other! I tell Jack all the time that I'm sorry he has such a crazy mom…I wish I had more self control but I can't help but kiss (and sometimes bite) those delicious cheeks and fat thighs.

Things that I hope I'll never forget about this time in my life:

-The way Jack plays with my hair when I'm breastfeeding him…he spreads out his fingers and sways his hand back and forth in my hanging hair. I just love it.
-When I get really close to his face, he puts his chubby little hands on my face and squeals…so cute!
-The way he looks at me…so lovingly.

-How he smells.
-When I wake up from a nap to see him propped up on his elbows smiling at me.

-The way my milk makes everything better…there's just something so awesome about being able to provide that security and comfort for your child! I am needed!
-How I can just look at him and make him laugh…I love that little laugh.
-Hearing Adam talking so sweetly to Jack, saying "Jack…say dada, dada", or singing lovingly to him. I love that Jack looks for Adam in the morning, and when he sees Adam sleeping he starts talking to him, trying to wake him up. And when Adam gets home in the evenings Jack gets so excited and kicks those little legs a mile a minute.
-I love when Jack falls asleep in the baby carrier…I get to stare at that sleeping face to my hearts content!
-The way Jack laughs when I take his shirt off!

There are just sooooo many more moments I wish I could capture and never forget. Too bad I don't have a film crew following me around 24/7. I just try to live each day to the fullest, soaking in all these precious moments!

The following is something I wrote a month ago but never posted…it was entitled "What I Didn't Know About Motherhood". I meant to add to it and never got around to it.


I love being a mom…it's what I always wanted to be. I used to pray when I was little that God would let me live long enough to be a mom. I loved anything baby…baby dolls, little diapers, baby clothes…I had a water baby that was my favorite baby doll. I cried a few times thinking that if the rapture came I wouldn't be able to take her with me. Then I remember thinking…you can't be sad in Heaven, and I would be sad without my baby…so obviously God would make an exception and let me take my baby doll with me!

Even though I loved babies and children so much, nannied for years, taught for a while, read books…I didn't have motherhood all figured out like I had thought…

I didn't know that I would have such an overwhelming love for this child…it brings me to tears sometimes thinking that he will grow up and leave me one day.

I didn't know that I would miss him when he naps or goes down for the night. I had no idea you could miss a child who is sleeping right next to you in the playpen…is that weird? I miss his smiles and his cute little voice…his chubby kicking legs and his oh so kissable cheeks!

Before I had him, I thought motherhood would make me a walking zombie…grumpy and tired all the time. This was the most surprising to me…I feel fine! I'm able to function off of a few hours a night…and actually most of the time when I'm woken up at night to nurse…I'm happy to do it! I love our time together at night, just me and Jack. I try to cherish these moments as I know it will be over all too soon and I will long for these times!

I didn't know my heart would melt at his first smile.  I love that little smile! :)

I had no idea how attached I would be…I don't ever want to be apart from him. It makes me sad to think about!

I never knew that when my baby cries I would have this intense need to calm and soothe him.

I didn't know that a mother never "gets over" a miscarriage, even after what seems like an appropriate amount of time. I think of Amelia every day, and am constantly reminded of her through him. When he smiles I am reminded that I would have two babies smiling at me. When people say, are you going to try for a girl next? I think…we had a girl…When I see boy/girl twins I'm reminded that I am missing my girl. I still cry for her. I will never "get over it" but am learning to live with it.

Motherhood is not all sunshine and roses…there are times when I'm tired, not sure how to comfort him, would like to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time, am tired of being pooped on (lol)…but it's mostly sunshine and roses! The hard times seem to disappear out of my mind when I wake up to the sweet sounds of  him "talking" to toys in his bed, when I say good morning and receive a huge smile and coo back, when he is happy and content just being in my arms, when he puts his little chubby hands on my face, when he looks so lovingly at me…I'm so in love!

I never knew motherhood would be this great!

Welcome to the world Jackson!

The day I went into labor started out like most others…except I had been having more Braxton Hicks than usual and had very mild cramping throughout the night along with them. I woke up Sunday morning (exactly 38 weeks pregnant) and thought a jacuzzi bath sounded awesome…so I got out my thermometer to make sure the water didn't get too hot, turned on some soothing music, dimmed the lights and soaked for a while in the tub. It was very peaceful and relaxing.

After I got out it seemed like the contractions had somewhat gone away so I went about doing my usual things and then took a much needed 2 hour nap…which later I was very glad I did! Later that afternoon my contractions started getting stronger again and a tad more painful than the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing the week before. The contractions were about 7 minutes apart at this point. I decided another bath was in order so Adam put on my music and lit some candles all around the tub. I got in for a bit and then I started thinking about all the chores I needed to get done if I really was in labor. So I jumped out and started vacuuming and doing the dishes…I couldn't bring a baby home to a dirty house! I was around 4-5 minutes apart as I was vacuuming. I had to pause between contractions, but it still wasn't too painful so I figured I had time. I didn't want to get to the hospital too early!

I decided to take a shower since I knew it would probably be awhile before my next one if I really was in labor. Then my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and thats when we decided to leave. We gathered our bags, the carseat, my camera, pillows and blankets and started on the 45 minute drive to the hospital. I still didn't really believe I was in labor and kept thinking they were going to send me back home.

We arrived at the hospital around midnight. They checked me and I was 3 centimeters dilated. They said they'd give me an hour to get to 4 centimeters…if I wasn't at 4 then I would need to walk the halls for an hour. If I still wasn't 4 then I would have to go back home. Well, after an hour nothing happened so we were sent to walk the halls. I had to stop every time I had a contraction and lean on Adam until it went away. Finally an hour had passed and they checked me again…I was a 3.5…so she said it was up to me if I wanted to stay or not since I was so close to 4. I said I wanted to stay since we lived 45 minutes away and my contractions were getting steadily stronger. We started calling people telling them baby Jack was coming soon. Little did we know how long this labor would actually be!!

I labored through the night and it started getting really intense Monday afternoon. I think at this point I had been in labor at the hospital for around 15 hours. I was in and out of the shower throughout the day because the heat seemed to really help. I tried the birthing ball but that soon got uncomfortable, I knelt at the bed and that seemed to help. I also used the birthing bar that attaches to the bed and that was second best to the shower.

Adam was by my side the whole time…I couldn't have gone as long as I did without him. He reminded me to breath during contractions, gave me massages, and helped relieve the pressure by squeezing my hips during contractions (something I heard about from a doula on youtube).

But it got to the point where nothing helped…the shower didn't help, I didn't want anyone to touch me as that seemed to make the pain worse, and changing positions didn't help. All I could do is writhe around in pain…I felt like I was dying. The contractions were getting much stronger and very close together. I thought I could possibly do this thing natural if I didn't have to do it much longer…but when they checked me I was only 6.5 centimeters…I had only progressed .5 centimeters in 3 hours!! I started crying…it didn't seem like there was an end to the pain. I so badly wanted a natural birth but I also was so exhausted and in so much pain at this point that the pain spoke louder than my desire for a natural birth. I decided to get the epidural.

After the epidural started taking effect I was in heaven! I couldn't feel anything! I did have a weird side effect from it for a few hours…my right eye became somewhat swollen and my eyebrow arched up higher on that side…it was really weird and scary since my mom had a mini-stroke while having my sister. Because of that I wasn't able to get much sleep because I was worried, but at least I was able to rest.

Finally sometime around 11:30pm I started pushing. I was so tired I fell asleep between pushes, lol. I pushed for about 3 hours! I threw up in between pushes at one point and then went back to it. I remember being extremely tired and extremely thirsty! Finally the doctor came back in to check things and he basically said I had two choices…either stop the epidural so my contractions come back stronger or to use forceps. He said he recommended the forceps because I was really swollen from all the trauma my body had been through and stopping the epidural wouldn't guarantee that they wouldn't have to use forceps eventually anyways. I looked at Adam and asked what should we do? With a heavy heart we agreed on the forceps. It was very scary to me…I was very worried, as was Adam although he put on a brave face for me. I just wanted to ball my eyes out. I was worried that it would hurt the baby, damage his brain or eyes or even pull his head off…I know, it's a bit gory but that's what I was imagining. Also, my epidural was wearing off…I could feel my toes and move my legs so I was worried about the pain too. I asked the nurse if she had seen any forceps deliveries and she said she had seen a few, but that Dr. Bullock had been doing this longer than she was alive and that she would trust him over anybody else. That made me feel better.

As soon as we gave the go ahead, things happened fast. A team of nurses came swarming in with all their tools and things in preparation for Jack's arrival. The doctor briefed me on how things would go and then right before he got the forceps he said, if this doesn't work, we will have to do a c-section. I could only hope and pray that this would work. The doctor placed the forceps on Jack's head (not sure how he knew where to place them as Jack was still pretty far in there) and as soon as I got my next contraction I pushed and he pulled. We only had to do this twice before Jack's head was out…and still intact to my relief! The pressure during this was very intense…I thought my body would rip open! During the next contraction he said we needed to get the shoulders out so I pushed and him and Adam maneuvered Jack's shoulders out (yes, he let Adam help him). Then he said, reach down and pull your baby out. I couldn't see anything over my belly so I put my hands down and felt around. I felt Jack's warm slippery little body and I tried to pull him out but my hands slipped. The doctor looked at Adam and said, help pull your son out. So Adam and I pulled him out together and placed him on my chest.

I had to censor some of these, lol!

He was so beautiful! I couldn't believe my baby was finally here…after 27 hours of labor in the hospital I thought he'd never come!! They had to take him briefly after a few minutes to suction his airway because he was gurgling a little, but they brought him back quickly and I just held him skin to skin for a while and then breastfed him. He was a healthy 8 lbs, 11oz and 20 3/4 inches long. Big Boy! I was so thankful that he made it through the whole ordeal safely! I'm so glad I chose Dr. Bullock…he really knew what he was doing and Jack barely bruised from the forceps…the marks pretty much disappeared by the next day!

After I birthed the placenta we found sweet Amelia. Adam and the doctor hovered over her for a while talking about her. The doctor was amazed that she was so well preserved and said he had only seen this in textbooks. They soon wheeled the placenta over to me and I was able to see what was left of our sweet baby girl. You could see what looked like a leg and the doctor and Adam felt the bones. It was bittersweet, saying goodbye to Amelia but welcoming Jackson into the world. It really wasn't too emotional for me though…I think I had prepared myself and with all the excitement over Jackson I was at peace with it.

 Jackson got his first bath…I don't think he cared for it very much!

We soon moved to a new room and were able to snuggle and love on our sweet baby! He never left our sight…we were able to keep him with us for all the tests and things that the nurses needed to do. Adam is so cute with him! He's changed many diapers and just loves and dotes on him! He's such a good daddy! 

Wednesday afternoon we finally had the thumbs up from the doctor that we could start the discharge process. After signing a bunch of paperwork we thought we were good to go so we packed up and started walking out. Everyone was kinda looking at us funny so I asked if we were good to go…they said, No, get back in your room!! Apparently we had one more form to sign, lol, oh well…we are new at this! Finally after signing ALL forms they wheeled me out to the car and we headed home to start our new life together!

I will say that I don't remember anybody saying how difficult the recovery is…it's been over a week now and I'm still in a lot of pain. It's definitely better than it was ( I could hardly walk the first day) but it's going to take a few more weeks for me to feel 100% again! BUT…I absolutely LOVE being a mommy and it is so worth all the pain! Jackson is such a joy to us…we couldn't be happier! He really is such a good baby, so sweet and content! He's been eating well and sleeping good so I don't feel totally exhausted which is great! I love him so much and am so excited about this new journey! This whole experience has been the most painfully wonderful experience of my life! :)